In my mediation practice, November and December bring a predictable surge: parents in crisis, convinced they must lock in permanent custody schedules before Thanksgiving. Spouses pressuring each other to ‘just decide’ on asset division before Christmas. The urgency feels real—but it’s often counterproductive. But here’s the truth: you don’t have to decide everything right now. And sometimes just being given permission not to make all your decisions now can help you decide what to deal with now and what to give yourself grace on and wait on.
Below is my guide to the most common holiday decisions that can wait—and how to approach them with clarity, boundaries, and self-compassion. Please note that this information is for amicable splits and may not apply to high-conflict situations.
This Year vs. Forever
When the holidays approach, couples in transition often feel pressure to lock in permanent arrangements—holiday schedules, family traditions, even who gets the kids on which days.
Some parents, just wanting to avoid conflict, agree to a one-sided schedule: “You take Christmas every year, I’ll take Thanksgiving every year.” It feels easier in the moment, but a year later, many regret not setting up an alternating plan that feels fairer and more sustainable. If you’re unsure how you’re going to feel after this year, then sit down with your spouse (and your mediator if you have one) and talk about what this year will look like, and then commit to meeting again after the holidays to discuss what went well and what didn’t, so you can put in place a plan for future years.
Then come the emotional questions:
- Do we still do the holidays together?
- Do we pretend everything’s normal for the kids?
The urgency sounds like: We must decide now so we can tell the family, buy tickets, and make plans. But my advice is you don’t have to decide what “forever” looks like today. Just like with your schedule, you can make a one-time decision for this year only. Give yourself permission to say, We’ll revisit this next year when things feel clearer. Depending on where you’re at in this process and how well you’re communicating, this may be a verbal agreement you make for just this year, or you may want to put this year’s plan in writing with language that says, “This covers 2025 holidays only and establishes no precedent for future years”.
This protects you from making long-term commitments during an emotionally charged time. And know that you can do holidays together or you can decide to do them separately. It depends on how both of you are acting during this time and how things go when you’re together. If you can’t imagine being in the same room with your spouse for Christmas then it’s ok to tell them that and figure something else out and then can always revisit doing it together in future years. Although you may think that doing holidays together is the most important thing for your children, I have found that what’s most important is that they don’t see you fighting or stressed out over what to do and you can give yourself permission to do something different this year.
What to Tell Others
The questions start immediately: ‘What happened?’ ‘Whose fault was it?’ ‘Are you okay?’ In the rawness of early separation, you might overshare details you’ll later regret. In my practice I’ve had clients regret sharing financial details such as how much their spouse is making or infidelity specifics such as he was having an affair with my best friend. These disclosures can poison relationships with extended family, create lasting awkwardness, and sometimes even complicate legal proceedings. Most clients don’t regret staying quiet.
What often happens is you then share too much and later regret what you told them. Or you stay silent and feel misunderstood. Or family members take sides or give unsolicited advice. A helpful middle ground is setting boundaries that protect your privacy while keeping relationships intact. Try one of these:
- “We’re still figuring things out as a family, but we’re focused on keeping the holidays peaceful for the kids.”
- “I appreciate your caring. We’re taking things one step at a time.”
- “We’re both committed to making sure the holidays still feel special, even if they look different this year.”
However, you may be thinking, what happens when someone pushes back? They may say “But what happened? You seemed so happy.” You can say “I appreciate you caring, but we’re keeping the details private right now. I’ll let you know if that changes” then redirect them, “how was your Thanksgiving”
Remember—you’re allowed to protect your emotional space. You don’t owe anyone a detailed update or justification. You can give yourself permission to say, ‘I’m not going into details. Let’s talk about something else,’ and then actually change the subject even if it feels abrupt
Should I File Before the End of the Year?
This is one of the most common December questions I hear: Should I file before the end of the year?’ This question surges in December. Here’s what you need to know to decide.
The rush is understandable. The calendar year feels symbolic—like closing a chapter before January 1. But for most people, the urgency is psychological, not legal, however I cannot asses whether your specific case has legitimate yearend implications. I understand that pull. But before you let that symbolism drive a rushed filing, ask yourself: Am I racing toward a deadline, or racing away from this pain. If it’s the former and you have your ducks in a row, file. If it’s the latter, that urgency is giving you bad information. The fresh start you’re craving comes from a good agreement, not from a date on a calendar. That being said, there may be urgency to file if there are domestic violence situations where delaying could be dangerous or financial abuse where one spouse is draining accounts and you need the restraining orders to go into affect.
I’m not a tax advisor or your attorney, so I can’t tell you whether year-end filing affects your specific situation. What I can tell you as a mediator is this: I’ve seen people rush to file by December 31st out of pure emotional urgency, not strategic necessity.
Before you rush:
- Consult a tax professional about your specific filing status implications
- Ask your attorney whether timing affects your case strategically or whether there is domestic violence or financial abuse that needs to be addressed.
If neither gives you a compelling reason for the December deadline, give yourself permission to prioritize clarity over speed. However, if a tax professional or attorney advises you differently, then you’ll want to ensure you account for their advice and file when you need to.
The holidays can distort your sense of urgency. Take a breath. The law—and your life—will still be there in January.
The holidays amplify everything—grief, hope, nostalgia, and pressure. But most holiday decisions don’t need to be permanent decisions.
You can decide what works this December without committing to what happens every December after. You can protect your privacy now and share more later if you choose. You can file when you’re ready, not when the calendar tells you to.
The goal isn’t to make the perfect decisions right now. It’s to avoid making rushed decisions you’ll regret later. That’s what mediation is for—creating space to think clearly when everything feels urgent.
You don’t have to navigate this alone. At West Coast Family Mediation, our experienced mediators can help you make thoughtful, temporary decisions that reduce conflict and protect your family’s well-being. Contact us to schedule a free consultation and learn how mediation can bring calm, clarity, and cooperation—one conversation at a time.