Earlier this year, we were looking at the May marketing traffic, and we saw a very interesting spike in organic traffic on May 12th. Now, most of you are probably thinking the same thing we did initially, which is what happened on that day to cause so many more people to be searching for our business. After some initial thinking, we looked at the calendar and realized that this was the day after Mother’s Day. Why bring this up now? Because women often feel the stress of being the default parent to make everything happen this holiday season.
The data has always shown that women are more likely to initiate divorce than men are. In fact, research shows that women initiate approximately 70% of divorces. So it got us thinking about what the correlation between these may be. These observations led us to explore three key factors that may explain both the timing and the broader trend of women initiating divorce more frequently.
Women Feel Underappreciated
One of the most common sentiments I hear from women in mediation sessions and, honestly, in life in general, is that they feel underappreciated—not just occasionally, but chronically. This isn’t about needing constant praise or grand gestures. It’s about the slow, cumulative erosion that happens when a partner’s daily efforts are overlooked or taken for granted. For many mothers, Mother’s Day becomes a litmus test. It’s a moment of reflection on how much they’re seen, valued, and supported—not just as mothers, but as partners and individuals.
When the one day a year that’s meant to acknowledge them still leaves them feeling like they’re managing the household schedule, coordinating brunch reservations, and reminding their partner to help the kids sign the card, it can land like a final confirmation: “I’m doing everything, and no one even notices.” That feeling of being emotionally and practically unseen doesn’t usually come out of nowhere. It’s the result of years of a relationship dynamic where labor, effort, and emotional bandwidth aren’t equally distributed or appreciated. Mother’s Day, ironically, can become a mirror—showing women what’s missing more clearly than any ordinary day would.
The Burden of Invisible Labor
The term “invisible labor” refers to the mental, emotional, and logistical work that keeps a household—and family—functioning. It’s not just about doing the dishes or folding the laundry. It’s about remembering when the pediatrician appointment is, noticing that the pantry is out of snacks, buying a birthday gift for your spouse’s mom, and managing the family group chat. It’s the unseen project management that women disproportionately shoulder, whether they have children or not. It’s a topic my Husband and I talk about often and yet it’s hard to even explain what it means if you’re not living it.
This labor is often invisible because it’s not measured in hours or seen as a to-do list. It’s expected. And when something is expected, it’s rarely appreciated. Women are socialized to anticipate needs before they arise, and in many partnerships, that becomes their default role. Over time, this kind of mental load is exhausting. When one partner carries the majority of it, it doesn’t just breed resentment—it can create a fundamental imbalance in the relationship, and if that’s not dealt with, then it continues, and that resentment will grow until often you end up in my office. On Mother’s Day, that invisible labor often becomes sharply visible. That may not be the breaking point—but for many women, it becomes a clarifying one.
When Expectations Don’t Match Reality
How many of you mothers out there found your spouse or partner asking you, “What do you want for Christmas?” I know mine did, and I know he was asking because he cared what I wanted to do, but in conversations with friends, I wasn’t the only one whose answer was something along the lines of, “I’d like some time to relax and not think about things.” While this all makes perfect sense, especially considering the invisible labor I discussed above, this can often lead to unrealistic or at least unexpressed expectations about what the day might look like between you and your partner.
Have you and your partner ever gotten into a fight over something, and one of you has uttered the line, “I’m not a mind reader,” in response to something that happened? This is common because it relates to unexpressed expectations. As Brené Brown says, “Disappointment is unmet expectations. The more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment.” And often, the problem with our expectations is that we don’t share them with the other person, so we just assume they’ll know what we want. But almost 100% of the time, this leads to disappointment because they’re not mind readers, and they don’t know what we want.
We have to share our expectations, or the reality is not going to live up to what we expected, and this may have happened for many mothers who expected one thing to happen on Mother’s Day, and that’s not what occurred. Now that doesn’t mean that these are women who never thought about getting divorced, and then after one day of unmet expectations, they start searching for a divorce mediator in San Diego. They are probably women who have felt disappointment from their partner over and over again.
While these patterns can feel overwhelming, there are concrete steps couples can take to address these issues before they become relationship-ending problems.
What Couples can do to be Proactive
Now, I’ve laid out the problems above, but I don’t want it all to be doom and gloom. There’s a lot that couples can do proactively to avoid ending up in my mediation office. Here are three things you can start now. And I’d also highly recommend working with a couple’s therapist who is trained the help facilitate these conversations.
- Have regular check-ins about household responsibilities and make sure your spouse doesn’t feel they’re shouldering them disproportionately. A great resource is Fair Play. Originally a book written by Eve Rodsky and expanded to include a documentary, website and other resources to help couples divide up the household and life responsibilities so it feels “fairer”.
- Have explicit conversations with your partner about your expectations. Give this a try the next time your partner asks you what you want to do for something. It’s not always easy, but instead of saying “I don’t care,” tell them exactly what you want. If you find it’s difficult to have a conversation around this, then try writing it out and sending it to them.
- Work on including recognition and appreciation practices in your daily life. This doesn’t have to be complicated, but try even just once a day or once a week to actively recognize or appreciate something your partner has done for you or for the family. Sometimes we just need to hear that someone sees what we’re doing.
Holidays may have revealed these patterns in sharp relief for many couples, but with awareness and intentional effort, it’s possible to create more balanced, appreciative partnerships year-round. These are just a few of the things that couples can do to hopefully prevent them from ending up in my office.
And it’s worth repeating, working with a trained professional is also so important, especially sooner than you think you need. So often, I hear from my therapist connections that a couple comes to couples therapy only when things are so far gone that it’s hard to make changes, and they often are already at the point of divorce.
But if you find yourself searching for divorce mediation in San Diego and want to speak with a professional who can help you understand your options, reach out to us at West Coast Family Mediation for a free consultation with one of our trained mediators.